Hurt Feelings
82Has there ever been a time when your feelings got hurt? Sometimes in the past my feelings were hurt when someone said something to try and not hurt someone else's feelings. Sometimes it makes you feel like "What the heck, am I the one it is okay to say that to, but you are too afraid to hurt someone else's feelings?" One thing I am not afraid about is being overly sensitive or having a heart, even though it seems popular for some to say they do not have a heart. I love that I am sensitive and I wear is proud, especially since so many have told me soon I will get over it. I try and realize people often say and do things that hurt my feelings, but I am trying not to take it personally because I am sure they do not mean it. This happens quite frequently in friendships that involve several women getting together.
For some reason in certain situations I have noticed I am the one people are not afraid to say or do something to, even if it hurts my feelings, because they do not want to hurt the other person's feelings. One time an aquaintance revealed she was jealous of how my hair was not overly curly like hers, and her friend scoffed and wondered why anyone would ever be jealous of me. That really made me feel like dirt, but I have just learned I am not one of those type of people that others are afraid of offending.
Well I know many people are offended on a daily basis, but it is situations such as these that have turned me into the introvert I am today. I still have a few friends, but my friendships are much different than they were in my teens to mid twenties. Back in the college days I use to have sleep overs with my friends and we used to do many social things together. I guess I always thought it would be that way, and I noticed often that I over extended myself to do things with them because I thought friendship was important.
As an adult I have learned that friends will usually not overextend themselves to spend time or do extra things with you when they are busy. It is ironic because many of the people that begged me to do things with them a few years ago when I was busy automatically turned me down a year or two ago when I suggested even going to lunch. They played the trump card of being "oh so busy," but interestingly some of these same ladies had begged me to drop things so I could hang out with them back in the day.
I was always more of the introverted type and never craved the club or bar scene, but I occasionally even miss these get together for coffee. The few friends that I have left live far away, but I know if they lived close by I might do things more often. If I really wanted to be more social I could volunteer or join a group, but honestly I think I like things this way.
So this makes me wonder: are there women in their thirties and beyond that have weekly get togethers with their girlfriends? I value my friends, but I really do not see my life ever being in that place again. I really am not sad about it because when I think about it often I suppress my desires when I got together with certain people. They would pick the restaurant and the movie, and I just knew deep down they would balk if I insisted. This has caused me to reexamine the type of friendships I acquire, and in the future I will just be more vocal about what I like.
However, I have learned to stray away from telling someone they hurt my feelings because a few people were defensive about it, but interestly I have noticed that others are not shy to reveal when their feelings are hurt. I truly believe some people in the world tend to be more disregarded when it comes to their personal feelings, and this may be a popularity thing. Who knows, but it is something I ponder once and awhile.
CommentsLoading...
That's interesting, but I too don't spend more time with friends outside the office. I prefer to be home with my family and write during weekends, and sometimes spend a few hours with friends in church.
SP- Even I have been neglecting a lot of my friends here and have been visiting lesser hubs compared to earlier days. I also have stopped calling my friends on weekends (and on weekdays I say I will call over the weekend and on weekends the time just flies). Without realizing I maybe distancing with some of my friends (thanks for reminding me).
Btw even I have been guilty many a time when I used to say "I understand your pain" and then go on with my point of view. I sometimes may not fully understand the other person and I must be a hypocrat when I say that. I have a lot to improve upon. I should be more sensitive and aware about others feelings. I hope I will be able to say what I want to say keeping in mind the sensibilities of the situation(be it online or offline). Thumbs up for a thought provoking hub. :D
Insightful article that comes from the heart and here’s a little tip; real friends accept you for who you are! They will be the ones there to do things with when time permits. However, you need to allow time for yourself to enjoy life, family and friends …
Feline Prophet,
Usually I do not feel completely sad, but last night I was just sort of feeling blue when looking back on past relationships. What you are saying is very true.
Melody,
What you are doing sounds good. Thanks for sharing.
countrywomen,
I really do not consider you a hypocrite, and I think you always have peoples' best interests at heart. It is perfectly understandable that now you are married that you are much more busy, and I think as we all get older we progress into being more concerend about what happens with our families, and for singles it is a little bit different. I think being a single person I just have to get used to the fact that I will be spending a lot of time alone. Usually I am okay with that, but sometimes it is just the harsh realization that things sure changed quicker in life than I thought they would.
I felt better after writing this, and sometimes writing things down just helps me to get over some sad thoughts. Thanks for your kind words and sharing.
Nancy,
Very good points.
Friendship is a great value that life gives us... But sometimes you need to cry or run away and if your friends cant' understand your needs, then they are no true friends. I like your Hub.
What To Do When Your Feelings Get Hurt
Very nice hub. I really enjoyed it.
It is better to care, and be hurt, than not to care at all...right? I think many times people speak before they think. Some just have an abrasive manner. Regardless of age, people need friends. Life gets in the way, routines vary, we all experience time constraints and change. Before we know it, a friend has been neglected. For instance, I've been extremely busy, and a little frazzled, and have not come to your hubs or many other's like I want to do.
It's not personal, but some might take it that way, and I need to remember when others don't come to my hubs, it could be they've tired of the stories I'm writing, or they're busy, or they want to but life has interferred.
A friend would understand all of the above and welcome us with open arms. My advice: "No one should be alone or lonely for long periods of time. We need others to keep us soft and caring, just like you've described." I'm glad you are a caring person, but wear a shield once in a while, or take a break from those throwing coconuts, cuz we're all living in a jungle!! =))
Sometimes, I hide under the bed. Til the dog drags me out. haahha
marisue,
I noticed maybe I was not commenting on your hubs as much lately, but I definitely enjoy your stories. I know you are busy too. Honestly with the hubnugget thing I could not help but wanting to be picked once, but I guess that is a little silly. I am over it now.
It's human, I'd like to be picked for an interview, etc...but still, we know we have people that read us, and the real reason we write is because we must.
We all like recognition, though. It's ok to do that, I completely understand. Hey, I know you read...I read you too, I will use your craft information more when I get to Oklahoma and have more time!! You are the craft Queen!! =))
Hi Marisue,
I did not realize that you had not been picked for an interview after all this time. I too enjoy your hubs, and I am glad to hear you are getting back to Oklahoma.
As long as we're better than anyone, people will get jealous of us. so they got hurt first.. btw, i think reveal our feelings to a person that hurt us may return better or worse.. but the risk is high. so which one? i prefer to keep it secret. nice hub.
I think it takes a little extra work to keep up with your friends when you are older and all busy. It's especially hard when you are home with children. As an introvert, I tend not to think of inviting people to do things, but then they don't realize I like them.
I've been part of three or four women-get-together groups since I was thirty. One was a "moms from our preschool" group, one was a church group, one was a book club, and one is a "mom's night in (at someone's house)" group. People don't manage weekly -- more like monthly -- and at least a third of the members of each feared hosting.
Personally, I avoid hanging out with people that often hurt my feelings. I have friends that are great at come-backs that humorously point out the rudeness, but I never think of the comeback until a week later.
I love doing my boring chores on the phone. I have three friends that fold laundry and clean the kitchen with me -- each at our own house. It helps the nagging "got-to-get-it-done" voice AND the "I'd-rather-talk-to-a-friend" voice.
I hope this post finds you enjoying some uplifting friends.
Thanks for sending good thoughts my way Serena.
Well, I'm not quite into my thirties yet but getting a group of girls together is already harder than it used to be. Kids and family, serious relationships, husbands, and weddings...oh my! I love getting together with the girls but it seems like there has to be a baby shower to see more than 2 of my friends at a time!
healthymiss,
I think people should make time for the friends they really want to see, but it is hard.
SweetiePie, I am glad I have read this. As you can tell I am man but quite a sensitive soul, even if I dont outwardly show it. A year or two ago one of my friends organised a party and intentionally did not invite me.I found out about it and subsequently learned this was not an isolated incident.At first I was deeply upset, I felt let down, betrayed etc. I then began to think it was my problem, they excluded me because of who I am. I was thinking it must be the way I am. Then I realised this is wrong, there is many aspects of each of my friends personalities that annoy me but that is just part of life. For them to exclude me because of my idiosyncrasies was wrong, just plain wrong. I have been in their presence since then on social occasions but I always feel guarded now and dont want to be myself. Just the other day "my friend" who had excluded me from the party asked if I wanted to go for few beers this weekend. I originally said yes but later declined giving a fake reason. I just could not bring myself to be in his company on one to one basis. Deep down, I still feel very betrayed by them and have little trust in them. I thought I had got over it but this has just raked up some bad feelings for me. I am glad to hear you are proud of your sensitivity and I will be a more proud of mine too. It is not a weakness, its is a strength. Today many people show hard a selfish edge pretending to be tough to get what they want or to justify their crude insensitive behaviour to others. When you think about it, it is a pathetic childish way to behave.In todays society there is now too many people adopting this mantra and it is up to more self aware people like us to balance the scales.
Thanks for creating this post this has been very cathartic for me.You sound like beautiful person
Scots Jim,
I am glad your felt comfortable sharing your thoughts here. You are right, there are better friends in life, and ones who will accept you for who you are.
I like your writing. It is indeed about a real problem and very honest.
It is almost impossible to find soul mate. So what we do? We make relationship with different people to satisfy our different needs. It's natural. I think when more then two people or friends are present, then we should take the approach of democracy to decide anything. In this way we can be vocal about our own choices and also can respect others. Becoming an introvert is not a solution. :)
Hi Atiqu Rahman Sumon,
I hope you find what you are looking for. Finding a soul mate is not a priority to me, but for those who want that, I wish them luck.
SK Gupta,
Let me be honest, this girl is over you. I would walk away and find a new friendship. It might be hard because you seem to be in love with her, but you will come across as a stalker if you keep messaging her about this. She has made her decision, and you need to let her be. If she wants to be with you, walk away so you can give her a chance to think about it. If she does not come back, you have your answer. Actually, I think you know deep down she was never that into you. I recommend reading the book He's Just Not That Into You, it is for women, but has good advice for anyone obsessing about someone not liking them.
Feline Prophet Level 4 Commenter 3 years ago
That sounds like a cry from the heart! Cheer up SP, things are never as bad as they seem. Most people refuse to recognise sensitivity in anyone other than themselves - the trick is not to let that affect you. The more we depend on another for any kind of validation, the greater are the chances of feeling let down.