My Relationship of Ten Years Just Ended: How Do I Get Over The Breakup?
90It is only natural to feel hurt, and that will take time to heal. However, you can begin to heal more quickly by looking at the situation for what it truly was: the end of something that was dysfunctional and not so great. That may sound harsh, but honestly if he/she really wanted to be with you, then they would have married you by now. Some couples prefer to just live together, but many people still still want to get married if they really love each other that much. I have cared about people in the past who did not care about me, and believe me it hurts when it ends. However, you must look at the other person in the equation, and realize there was not much love lost when they ended a relationship of ten years. This person may care about your feelings, to some extent, but they did not care enough to be with you. The question is: do you really want to spend more time than necessary mourning a relationship that was probably bankrupt from the start? The key is the moving on and realizing you deserve something better than a relationship that is only so-so.
The Reality of the Break-up
I knew one man that was devastated when his girlfriend of five years left him. However, what he did not realize is that she was happy to break the ties, and was having fun with her new boyfriend. However, her new relationship did not last very long, but that is not always the case. Sometimes when people break-up with us it is because they have met someone they are more compatible with, and I have gone through the pain of that. However, it is better to be strong and self-loving, and to wish your ex the best of luck in that situation. Honestly is takes a coward ten years to realize they did not want to be with someone.
I actually refused to date one guy who had dated his ex-girlfriend on and off for ten years. I pointed out to him she had probably wanted to get married, and he said no because she never brought it up. Perhaps because she had too much pride to breach the subject, but he did not really seem very sensitive about the thoughts of others that way. Oh he was an nice person and all that, but I would not want to be in a relationship with him! He was the type of person that only wanted to hang out when it was convenient for him, and I realized he had done that with his ex.
I remember a woman who used her current boyfriend to move away from home, and to rebel against her parents. However, the boyfriend often would sit home at night listening to messages her "guy friends" left her on the home phone, and become increasingly irate when she came home late. It was pretty obvious all along what she was doing, and not really a big surprise when she forced him to move out, and started dating other people.
The truth is: if a relationship is destined to be, the couple usually wants to get married within the first couple of years. There are some couples that do not want to get married, and you have to decide if you are okay with that. Couples who do not want to get married still can have stable and nurturing relationships though, so do not excuse your significant other on a continuous basis by saying they are just "scared," or needs space. If they wanted to be with you in a true sense of the word, they would not need that much space to say the least! Personally I would rather be single than date a guy who is okay with that kind of relationship, but you have to decide what is best for you.
There are many good relationships where people do not get married, but if you want more, you have to make that clear early on. Also, read the signs and see how your significant other really feels about you. If you are doing most of the calling, that might be an answer. If they seem distracted or do not have much time to spend with you, that might be another answer. Do they make a lot of little flippant and hurtful comments that you write off? If so, I often believe people really show their true feelings through a thousand small remarks without revealing what is really on their mind.
The bottom line is if the relationship has been rocky from the start, then you are better off being apart. In a good relationship things are not perfect, but your significant other is not forgetful, hurtful, or apologetic when they just never seem to be able to spend time with you. For the last two years I have known this guy who was very flaky towards me. He made it known back when we met that he hates to go out to movies, museums, and really did not want to do anything I enjoyed. He also made it clear he did not want a relationship with me, but texts every now and then to say he misses me.
Over the weekend he sent me a text saying how he could see us in a relationship, and I told him if he wanted that we would have made that happened years ago. I also pointed out he is primarily occupied with his own interests and comfort, which is not bad if that is who he is, but that is who he is! I told him he should spend time with girls that enjoy that, and that we can be friends that talk, but I have no interest in spending time with him. I also told him I believe the right person for me would have made a relationship happen, and not just make weak references to how this could happen when he is lonely or bored. Like clockwork I only hear from him when he seems to have nothing better going on, so I no longer take him seriously. He is a nice person and we have some good conversations, but that is the extent of things! I am not saying living with a boyfriend of ten years is like that, but in many relationships you can usually tell if someone was really committed to you or not.
Think back and make a list of all the times they disappointed you, said hurtful things, or just did not seem that enthusiastic in your company. If the list seems overly long, then that means you really do not need to spend much time mourning the break-up. I am willing to be friends with the guy who acts flaky with me, but that is about it. Actually after two years I feel pretty sorry for him because I think he is really a confused person and does not know what he wants out of life, or he would not be sending me such paradoxical text messages. You can always be friends with your ex if you care about them, but the break-up is probably for the best.
Make it your goal to be happy in your new single status. Do some activities your ex was never up for when you were a pair. Who knows, you may even meet the person you are destined to be with while engaged in activities you enjoy. I have been there and been sad when someone broke up with me, but what helped me get over it pretty quick was the knowledge the other party usually was happy about the break-up. Life is too short to mourn the loss of a relationship that was not meant to be.
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It's a terribly hackneyed cliche, but the answer is time. Lots, and lots of time. For sure.
Hi LG,
I was answering a hub request about a woman whose boyfriend of ten years broke up with her, but the part about the flaky guy who texts messages me was my experiences. I agree, every ending is a new beginning to do wonderful things with our lives.
Adsense Strategies,
Yes it takes time to get over a love, but as I have matured I really do not spend that much time mourning someone who was not all that serious about me. If I felt that during the relationship because of hurtful remarks or actions, well that was the mourning. If things were not good then I would not waste my precious time now mourning someone who might be having the time of their life for all we know.
Sometimes a situation like this is opening the door to a new beginning...
My Dad used to say, "don't fret about him..it's his loss not yours." I believe you have the same attitude. Here's wishing you much happiness.
I have seen videos on YouTube using NLP to get over this kind of pain. For what it's worth, I have a hub on this: http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Most-Important-Discove
Or just Google it on Google Videos. Best wishes, in any event.
Excellent advice here Sweetypie, and well written. No one is for everyone, and everyone is not for you metaphorically. As a man, I can say that when I was young I would say pretty much anything to get into a woman's pants. As a middle aged man, I am not proud of that past. I hurt many women that did not deserve it. Relationships are often difficult. One has to remove themselves from the comfort zone of ME, and think about we, and her. With that being said, if you are not comfortable/happy, it’s time to explore other options. Once again, well written and dead on advice. Thanks!
Okay just to make it clear with everyone I was answering a hub request. I am fine really, but I just wanted to give some advice to the lady who broke up with her boyfriend of ten years.
Nancy,
Very good points!
Green Lotus,
I also appreciate your insight. Your dad is a smart guy.
Adsense Strategies,
I am not upset about anyone breaking up with me at the moment, but the person who made this hub request could benefit from your hub. Thanks for sharing!
trooper22,
You are my hero for seeing I wrote an advice hub and not about my break-up! Thanks for your nice comments :).
I noticed it when you first published it that it was a response to a question, but now it doesn't show up that way in the hubfeed.
I knew you noticed it was a response Lady G! Did not mean to exclude you as you are always very good at picking these things up :).
I dated a number of women before marrying fairly late, and I can relate to your Hub. In some cases I wanted to pursue the relationship more than the other person and sometimes it was vice versa. In almost all cases, we parted friends. I often wonder where some of them are and what they are doing. I could write a book about my experiences, but if I told the truth it would be embarrassing to me and others. I've considered trying to write a short story or two. I did write a poem once expressing my anguish over a unhappy ending and sent it to the woman who had spent a few days with me and then moved on. (I didn't keep a copy.)
Ralph Deeds,
I think the good thing is at least you parted friends. I see no need for anger in these situations, and it is best to just move on when the time is not right. You are a very astute person to share your anguish with your ex. Thanks for sharing your story!
I am so sorry and I can sympathize with you. My marriage broke up and it does hurt very badly when a relationship breaks up. Just take day by day and slowly you get on your feet again. Wish you all the best.
Hi Hello, hello,
I personally did not break-up with anyone and was just answering a hub request :). Thanks for the nice wishes thought!
I don't know if anone else is noticing this thing with the hubfeed., People are reading the frist few sentences and the tite and going on that. I know that I had a hubber do that on one of my new hubs and it seems to have occurred on this one too. Althought tey are trying to get people to read the whole hub, it isn't working quite right yet.
Now back to the topic. My ex and I were married for 15 years and it was very difficult for me to get along during and after the divorce too. It was NOT a picnic by any means and he still will not talk to me or be civil and we have children between us. I have tried to be the civil one but to my children it seems that I was the one making the waves UNTIL they saw it for themselves one day. I can never be friends with him or his other two wives. I don't know what he tells other about me but it isn't true and he has poisoned our two grown daughters too. So I have been there before too and would never want to go back to that again.
You are exactly right about the hubfeed LadyG because several people have told me they are sorry about my break-up :). You are right LadyG, some relationships end in bad ways, and it is impossible to be on friendly terms. At least you were the adult in the situation.
Break ups are never easy. I was happily married, or so I thought. We were together for 6 years and during the last year we decided to try and have a baby. We went through fertility treatments and everything. We were happy when she got pregnant but she had a miscarriage. Things fell apart from there. We had a hard time dealing with the loss. We decided to try again and she got pregnant again. Ultimately things never got better and we are now divorced. I still love her a great deal and unfortunately for our daughter loving each other was not enough. The first year was really hard and we are both ok now I guess but it has been a hard road.
That which does not breaks us makes us stronger......though sometimes one just wants to break down to be able to put the pieces back in a different order. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall....though ass the kings men that couldn't put him back together agin it was love that did. It's how you mend a broken heart--the more love you give the more you will get in return--sometimes it just takes a while for it to get around that winding road.
I don't think the man cared enough about you, Sweetie Pie, or could fully appreciate the person he was with. I think you're right about that, and so I'd limit the amount of mourning you do over this broken relationship. If he can't appreciate you, he doesn't deserve to have you in his life.
Why can't people read!? Why can't it be posted to the hubfeed correctly?! She answered a question, It is NOT SP it is about.
My sympathy but you see things very clearly with it all. Youare a very strong lady. This is his loss.
I appreciate everyone's comments, and especially Lady G for pointing out this hub is not about my break-up. I used the antidote example of a guy that I am friends with, but I never broke up with him. He was just an example of how we can tell in life there are people that are not that into us.
10 years? That's a lot of years for a relationship and I've seen some people break it off after ten years and some who got married after their tenth year. My brother and his wife were actually together for 10 years before they got married. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Besides (though this is a small consolation for now for that lady who requested this hub), think of it this way, it is better to find out right now that you're not meant for each other rather than get married and find out later on that you're not meant for each other and end up getting a divorce. Good luck to the one who requested this hub :) and thanks SP.
family and friends who introduce you to other potential partners, or you going out having a good time makes it easier.
I think one of the big problems with deciding to break up is that we can feel that we've wasted all that time. But time past is over and done with. We need to think of the future. Do we want to waste that as well?
Well done, Sweetie. On with life!
Ten years is a long time. I knew a young lady who found herself in what used to be called "five year dates," and when she finally found someone willing to commit, she happily married and is now in her 22nd year of marriage. The cycle of settling for folks like this instead of finding the man (or woman) who isn't afraid to commit is possible to break, but it takes strength and self-confidence.
In my younger days, there was a woman I was crazy about and would have waited forever for, but I was only worth spending time with when she was angry at someone else, or felt low because a relationship ended for her, or whatever the story was. The most difficult and liberating thing I ever did for myself was to let her know I would be there for her in the bad times only if there were good times, also. It wasn't enough for me to be the guy she ran to when she felt depressed.
Relationships are tricky stuff....
Interesting Hub, Sweetie, and your new Avatar looks great! Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes when one door closes another opens. I invite you to read about a relationship that ended in my new hub call the 'The Woman in the Window', it's a real life experience and how this person fell out of love overnight. Happy New Year.
emievil,
I believe some great couples are together for years and never get married, or get married later on like your brother. The difference between good ten year relationships and bad one though, in my opinion, are the they are just not that into you signs. Thanks for sharing.
ocbill,
Good advice for people.
Dolores,
Very well said, who wants to waste more time in the present?!
Mike,
Very wise points about the good, the bad, and the ugly of relationships.
Jibberish,
Thanks for sharing!
You have a very healthy outlook on relationships. If all women could somehow retain this sense of knowledge, they would have a much easier time learning to live alone. Excellent advice here, very good description of the man involved. I felt I knew him myself...... The hard part for all is moving on. We seem to get stuck in the "denial" phase of healing. That's when some ladies become obsessive and try to do everything in their power to get back what was lost, when it was only a "lost cause". I'm impressed with your outlook. I'm now a fan.
Recovery Today,
Yes I think the denial phase makes it the hardest to separate and/or move on from not so great relationships. My outlook came into being after dealing with two not so great, and not so serious relationships. Both only lasted about a year each, and at the end I realized I had spent far more time agonizing about them than they had ever about me. After that I resolved to never waste my time like again. It is not always easy, but I always keep in mind why would I be sad over someone who is not wanting to be with me, and probably is having a great day without even thinking about me twice. Glad you appreciate my viewpoint :).
It took me years to get over an 8 year relationship even though I wanted the relationship over for at least two years before it happened. It was hard because we had shared so many activities together, study, travel etc, so many memories and such a big gap left. I didn't want to be with him but felt like I lost my best friend in the whole world. None of the small things I did seemed to make the pain go away, so I made my own big plans - Solo travel, new job, new hobbies and met new people - I think sometimes you just have a find a way to fill the gap that's left when you're suddenly single after sharing so many years of your life with someone...Making new plans for the future without him helped me to forget him.
These are all very good points strictly dating!
If a mate leaves them the only thing that you can do is let them go. They say that if you let them go and it was meant to be then they will come back. Mine always came back but, worse than they were before they left. It may hurt when someone leaves you but, you should use that time to enjoy your life and do some of those things that you may have never gotten to do when you were tied down. After a while you will welcome the free time not having to answer to anyone. Sometimes we hold on to things that mean us no good and we miss out on that special person that was truly meant for us. Try not to dwell too much on that person that is no longer in your life and focus on new possibilites.
Really could relate to this hub and also how well you write about personal stuff. Must drop you an email later !
TattoGuy,
Thanks for the comment tattoguy, and it is always lovely to hear from you :).
u r right sweetpie. i was in a relationship when i was 16 he was my first bf we stayed in the relationship for two years and a half. it was for him love at the first sight we both were so happy, but after the two years and a half before starting his university by a couple of months he told me that we have to break-up he never told me what was the reason and until this moment i dont know what the reason. i used to call him and text him for 5 years the first three years he was answering my calls and sometimes my msgs but when he saw me he never answered me. i remembered once he told me that he has some situations and he wants to get back to me but he cant right now. imagine 5 years he never called me never. i was the one who called him, but last week he called me and i did not answer him and when i called him the other day he did not answer me too. i know his whole family, but i dont know what wrong with him. i also asked him if he has someone else he sweared that he dont! and whenever i call him he keeps saying pls dont call me let me focus on my studies! we never had sex together and he always say to his friend if u r looking for a serious relationship try not to lose the one u love for a stupid mistake. i admit it i was a caring person and i still care for him. last year he bought me a gift fr the new year but he never told me that it was from him i eventually knew that he was the one.
i really want to know what to do cos i am lost. will i forgive him if he came back to me and answer his call next time?
what do u think?
i forgot to mention we both have the same date of birth and we r 23 now .. he is still a university student. he will be graduation soon. i sent him a msg if u did not call me it would be much better and what made u call me after this 5 years.
Fasam,
So he is a university student? You can go to school if you want also, and he is not the only one that is allowed. I truly believe you would be much better off if you ignored this guy. There are a few men who text me on and off, and sometimes I just do not reply. One guy always writes me mixed signaled messages, so I just tell him he should meet someone he is more compatible with. Not even sure if I will ever have a relationship again in my life, and I am thirty-one. Some people think that is pretty sad or pessimistic on my part, but to be honest I find it liberating. I am living my life, and not worrying about what I do not have.
thank u so much sweetiepie, and yes he is a university student so do i. i will definitely ignore him cos this is what i am doing right now. he will one day come back and will not find me. what will happen will happen the future isnt ours to c. at the end it is his loss!
Thanks for sharing!
good hub.
Fasam,
Often people act like being single is some punishment or life sentence, but it is not really. I would not even worry about ignoring him, just act natural and detached from the situation, because that is what he is doing with you. If he calls you can talk to him, but just do not go out of your way to talk to him. If you want to date you could even join a group on campus and get to know some new people.
Martin,
Glad you enjoyed the hub.
I really can't imagine this situation.I am from India and I have never gone into so detailed insight of a break-off relation. It is so well written. Thanks a lot.
I am living with my wife for the last 30 years. Well sometimes we fight, sometimes we don't like each others test when we plan for a shopping or a travel, but we compromise. I heard from my gramdmother that God has created our 5 fingers and they are all different in size and shape, then how two different people can be equal! I remember that when we are in conflict. We have actually accepted each other with both good and bad qualities.
Please don't think that I am giving advice to the persons facing this type of problem. Each situation is different and I feel I am still learning.Really life is very small but we have lot to know. Thanks for the good staff for my learning.
Cupid,
I enjoyed your insight, and you definitely have something to share with us about the compromises and love of a thirty year old marriage.
Ive been with this guy for ten years and we even have 2 kids together. We have just broken up a month ago and he is already dating another woman. To top it off this woman is less value of me meaning she doesnt have nothing she is trash...well anyways I told him that he cant see his kids around that trash..do u think im wrong? I wonder how can he just jump into another relationship right after we brake up?? He hates me now. I domy know if its because I moved to a different city to better my life. He was suppose to come with me to. But he broke it off with me before I moved. Now im hurt and wished he comes back to me, everytime I call and text him he ignores me..i mean y is he doing this??? Just confused
Hi Missqueen,
If he broke up with you because you wanted to move to another city, then I would write him off. Texting him now that he broke up with you makes it seem as if you cannot get over him, and honestly, he is no good for you if he can easily leave you for another woman. Is she really this horrible of a person? I never like it when women call fellow women trash, I think we should all stick up for our gender more - especially in situations when men can play us all. Do you think maybe you are calling her this name because you are upset he left you for someone else? You know she might actually be a good person, and she does not know all about your boyfriend leaving his girlfriend and kids.
From what you have said here, the one who is not of value in the equation is the boyfriend, who is willing to risk a relationship with his long-term girlfriend and kids just so he can play around. If you had been living together for a long time he should have committed, and cared more about creating a stable future for his family than he demonstrated. This man is not worth your time, and I highly recommend reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You," because I do not think he ever was. I really do not think he is into the new woman either, and I would just feel a bit sorry for her because he will do the same thing to her he did to you. Do not call him, and let him get back to you. If he cares about the kids he will be calling to see how they are, and that is what your conversations should be about at this point. I would maybe work out visitation with him, but focus on yourself and the kids. They are so much more important than him.
My mom always focused on us, and I have really good memories of our going on trips together. Who cares about this guy, your kids are so much more important anyway. I would say focus on the kids and forget the romance until they are older. By then you will be more free, and can then meet someone of quality. I am single and in my thirties, but waiting around for someone who is compatible with me. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for a relationship that is just luke-warm. Once I realized what great relationships a few people have, I just cannot settle for anything less.
Thank u so much for getting back to me and the reason I say she is trash because she slept with his brother and all his friends. Im taking it one day at a time. I havent called him in two days thats pretty good cuz I use to call him none stop. Like u said just focus on my kids because thats what matter the most. I moved to better me and my kids life. I know I got to let him go because he is not worth.
Thanks for replying back I really do appreciate you : )
I hope things work out for you missqueen. Honestly, yeah if this woman is sleeping around with everyone that is not good, but the guys are doing it with her, too. It is just not good to call women names like that while not holding the men accountable. Do you really want to talk with a guy who has no hard feelings about breaking off your relationship and sleeping around? When you look at it this way, I think you might realize he is kind of boring, truly. :) Besides, who wants to talk to someone who is not thinking about you. I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to call people who do not think much about me. It is a free world and they disdain me, but I refuse to spend any of my time thinking about them once they have made that clear to me.
Lady Guinevere Level 6 Commenter 2 years ago
Yes it isn't always bad to end, becasue then their it is-- A NEW beginning. You don't always have to be attatched to another human being to live your own life. Many people do it. There is never and ending--only a beginning. It is also best you did this without being in a mariage because the breaking of ties get way too complicated.