I Would Rather Be Too Nice To People Than Too Blunt
81We live in a society where being blunt or sarcastic are traits often held in higher esteem than being too nice. Honestly when someone tells me I am too nice I have no problem with that as I would never want to be too blunt. There are times when you need to tell people the truth, but the blunt culture just really sort of irritates me. I love the sweet and kind ways of putting things, and I think this has to do a lot with the way I was raised. Occasionally I heard sarcasm growing up, but my mom and teachers always instilled me how much better it was to be empathetic and kind, rather than just make a few sarcastic quips. From time to time I have said something sarcastic, but I can tell you most younger people do not like it when adults do that. Some adults may think it is funny when sarcasm is employed, but when does it cross the line?
Why Be Blunt?
Never got the point of being blunt, but to some of us more sensitive souls those types of comments come across as less than empathetic. Some of us do not fall into the cool or popular boxes that people construct, but making a silly little comments will not change those of us who are deemed "not hip". So you do not like someone who talks to much, but often the people who make blunt comments about those who chatter away are guilty of the same behavior. I just have to chuckle when one social butterfly complains about someone else who blathers on, and usually they like to imply the latter person is just not as "cool" as they are. Really, how is that so? Did you ever stop to consider maybe you are just as guilty as being social awkward from time to time, as we all are, but people are just too intimidated by your sarcastic comments to tell you otherwise?
Being teased as a child sort of opened a lot of these things too my eyes. I saw how certain kids, myself included, were picked on because they did not say certain things, dress a certain way, or act cool. Wearing a purple jean jacket from 1974 in the 80's could get you teased, but this was a really nice item that ended up being stolen when I accidentally put it down. The kids on the playground kept telling me I looked impoverished for wearing it, but when I put it down it disappeared. I wish I had been strong enough in those days to keep it on and I still would have had it. It was a beautiful jacket, and I know my mom was a little upset because it had been hers and I was simply wearing it to school that day. All these years later it would have been consider a trendy piece of vintage clothing too, which is really ironic considering all the verbal abuse I went through over it.
A barrage of blunt and hurtful comments change you forever, and twenty years later I have a crystal clear memory of the things that were said. These kids were very blunt, and I notice some adults use the same techniques. Thus, if someone thinks I come across as too nice, there is a reason for this. Years ago I learned how being sarcastic or blunt can hurt people, and I never want to inflict the same pain on others that I experienced. Actually for the amount of teasing I experienced I think I am very resilient because I had kids do some really horrible things to me.
As an adult do you really want to engage in this type of behavior? Do you find delight in pack mentality where everyone gangs up on one person? It is good to shy away from these techniques and to go with a gentler hand. Our society is bold and fast paced, and how often do people slow down to have a gentler and kinder approach? Are you afraid of being seen as too weak by being too kind? You know you can smoother a jerk with kindness, and it does work!
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diancharles,
Honestly I think that is a compliment to be told that you are too nice. Some see it as a weakness, but I do not see it as such.
We are all glad that you are so nice, SweetiePie.
Certainly agree with most of what you say - bluntness is a tool to be used occasionally, not all the time. As for sarcasm, it is a dying art - true sarcasm, as practised by Oscar Wilde, is funny. Sadly, so few people have that subtlety of wit.
Hi Sufi,
I am sure you are, but even today someone made a comment in public that I was too nice, and I do not think they meant in a good way. Oh well I am not upset about it, just realize some people see me weak for being that way.
I agree with you that Oscar Wilde could employ sarcasm is a witty manner, but it can be funny from time to time, but I just see way too much use of it. Not all people have the ability to use it, and even if I did I would not. I was taught not to be sarcastic, but that is just me. It is funny when used the right way though.
To be nicein the face of nastiness is not weakness, but strength. It shows that you are your own person.
I remember a guy on one of Pam's threads, who used the worst sarcasm I have ever seen. He was too stupid to realise when it was gently turned around against him. That was funny - sarcasm is a rapier, not a sledge-hammer.
Hi Sufi,
I would imagine sarcasm towards a spammer is witty, but the type of have encountered not so much. Kids used to make dumb sarcastic remarks towards me. I even heard some brunt out adults make scarcastic quips, just because they were annoyed with their children, and knew the youngesters would not capture the meaning.
I'm with you. I have never found value in hurting someone's feelings. I try only to be blunt when someone is blunt to me; I will get in someone's face if challenged.
Hi Pete,
That is understandable. I guess where I feel kind of irritated about the blunt and sarcastic comments is when one person tries to imply another is socially akward for babbling on, when the former party is also guilty as charged. I just find that amusing!
I'm with you SWP!! I always cringe when someone begins a statement with "I'm just being honest with you>>>
I know someone and maybe ME is going to get blasted. I think kindness wins nearly every time, tho' once in a while...a person has to stand up and move aside, to avoid being a doormat...but mostly,
a smile and gentle words win...but then, I'm a sucker for gentle. LOL
A rant has it's place, but shouldn't be the habit. great points here!!!
Hi Marisue,
You are right we need not to be doormats either. Usually I try to do that by telling someone what I think, but I will avoid confrontations at all costs.
I do not think anyone would blast you for these points Marisue, and if they did they really need to grow up :).
It's well written SP. I know and understand what you mean :)
I appreciate that weblog!
being too nice to others, especially starngers, will make them think you are weak and a push-over. Be blunt, to the point but yet polite. You will respect yourself for standing up for yourself and they will now that you arn't a woosy.
I'd say take the middle route - be blunt in a nice way! :D
men are dorks,
I totally disagree. On the converse side I think those who are too blunt are putting on a show and not being authentic. They need a wall, whereas someone who is too nice is a sweet creature. I value being overly nice and do not care if people have a problem with that. Our world could do with a little bit more nice really.
Nazishnasim,
Thanks for sharing. I just do not believe in being blunt, but I suppose some need it.
I can relate to what you're saying, SweetiePie. I have the exact same problem of being too nice, but I'm also shy which makes being too nice even worse. People sometimes see me as a pushover and take advantage of me because I'm too nice. But it's nice to know that there are other people out there such as yourself sticking up for us nice people.
Hi Earthangle,
We are definitely not the only ones that fall into the nice category. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Liked your hub. Just one question: Are you telling me that you can't be nice, kind & sympathetic, if your are blunt and sarcastic?
Good hub but, you must remember there are some people that you need to be blunt with---it's the only thing they understand. Being blunt doesn't mean your a bad person:-)
alekhouse,
Let me just put it this way: if someone was constantly making blunt/sarcastic remarks to me I honestly would have a hard time seeing the kindness in that. That person could be the nicest person in the world and just tease someone a lot with their sarcastic remarks, and I would find myself not really wanting to hang out with them. My sister had a friend who I am sure is a nice person, but she just made one too many blunt comments and I just did not want to spend any time around her anymore.
Sarcasm has a time and place, but I am just a big fan of it, and many times blunt/sarcastic comments have hurt my feelings. Maybe people who communicate that way are kind and have he best of intentions, but not everyone enjoys that type of banter. Do you see what I am talking about? I think you just did not really get what I was speaking of here lol.
Nancy,
I think your are taking this hub the wrong way. I never said being blunt or sarcastic are bad, I just prefer my way of doing things. Even here a little bit I felt the last couple of comments were implying I should adopt another way from time to time, but I highly doubt people using that other way would want to do it my way. I just believe there are so many different ways of dealing with unpleasant situations in the world, and sugarcoating someone with kindness does work. Some people that are giving you are hard time cannot stand the mushy stuff, and they will back off like that lol.
Often people tell me I am overly nice, and I would just prefer to stay that way. However, if someone was way too blunt or sarcastic in their observations I would not say wow that is mean to someone. It seems okay for people to write those kinds of things, but I think some are sort of taken aback to discover some people do not enjoy this type of communication.
I would rather be too nice than too blunt...i would feel so horrible being blunt and hurting someone...I hate doing that. I am really shocked with how mean and cruel parents can really be. I think the older we get the more ways we find to be cunning and backbiting kind of mean
ratcliffe,
One thing I learned too was kids really do not like it when adults use sarcastic comments, which often the older person think the kids are incapable of capturing the meaning. However, many kids can decipher what the adult means because of the tone used.
Unfortunately, bluntness is necessary to make your point when dealing with some people. I prefer to be tactful, but not at the expense of effective communication!
That was just sweet. I do admit being very blunt but I blame it on having 4 brothers. I never picked on anyone, but after reading your hub, it makes me wonder how many feelings have I hurt? Great thinking hub.
dori
Kea,
I am always pretty much truthful, but I know when to hold back because sometimes people do not need to know everything. If I can spare telling someone something that would just make them feel bad or hurt them, I am all for it.
Fortunerep,
I would imagine you have not purposely hurt anyone, but I think it is always good for all of us to think before we speak. Each of us has been guilty of saying something that hurt someone, and if only we could take those words back.
I usually find it difficult to be blunt but I wouldn't say I was overly nice either...maybe diplomatic is a better word? :)
Feline Prophet,
You can be diplomatic if you wish, but I prefer the concept of being too nice. Hey, that is just me :).
I agree with you SweetiePie. Being kind and nice goes a long way. :-)
Hi Ripplemaker,
I think you are one we can always look to on how to handle any situation with kindness and grace :).
Well then, your "name" fits your disposition quite well. I am going to be more nice and less blunt starting right now. I enjoyed your Hub.
Hi James,
Well if being blunt works for you do not be afraid to embrace that. I just know myself when someone is more kind I am drawn to that type of personality. However, there are many who enjoy blunt comments and humor, so I am sure you are in good company.
OMG, I love this post, SweetiePie! I am often accused of being "too nice." Other members of my family, on the other hand, do not blink an eye when they berate cashiers, or make cutting remarks within earshot of people. I cringe and then avoid the situation when I can. The world would be a more enjoyable place - and probably more peaceful - if we just use a bit of empathy. Thanks for a great read, Steph
Steph,
I really like the way that you put how the world would operate much more peacefully if we all just tried to treat each other with mutual respect. I too hate to hear people make cutting remarks to cashiers and waiters, and I think it might be just simpler to eat at home if you do not like the service at a restaurant.
I tend to go both ways myself, however, when life gets so fast paced, mostly because of my impossible job, and I revert to bluntness more than not, I catch myself at some point and feel horrible about it. I think if you are sincere with your niceness, you are indeed a strong person. Some of the most powerful people in the world used kindness and won. Gandhi & Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. just to name a few.
Sweetie Pie, if people say you are too nice as if it is a bad thing, just feel sorry for them as they are acting out of fear. In my book, you rock.
I often just tell it like it is.
Telling it like it is can often save a lot of confusion. Would I like people to think I'm nice? yeah. But I'm often stupid, self-centered, or lazy. This whole topic is fallacious, though (and pardon me if I sound a little blunt!): "nice" and "blunt" are not opposites. Sometimes the kindest route one can take is to be blunt -- but not malicious. You raise an interesting question here, as you have used the word "blunt" as a euphemism for "nasty" -- presumably because you are too nice to accuse anyone of being nasty. Thank you for making me think about this topic!
I still think I get what is being said. Blunt can be nice, but taking just that little bit of extra time would be helpful. Also many mean nasty people are blunt with their sarcasm. Regardless, blunt and sarcasm are occasionally called for, but it is crass and lazy to revert to that form most of the time. Many people I encounter do fall into that trap.
All very true. I think some people do it simply to overshadow their own faults while others in the group do it as a follower.
I am with you about being nice. In fact most of the times when we are blunt then the message also doesn't carry through as one needs a certain rapport before someone can pass the message. The direct approach works in certain situations though like military or maybe parents trying to discipline kids but normal adult to adult relationships it tends to be counter productive. Thumbs up for another wonderful hub.
Hi Countrywomen,
I adore your responses. Honestly some people may be irritated, but I ended up deleting a couple of comments because I refuse to be spoken down too. A couple of people did not read what I had to say here and basically implied I was wrong, or misunderstood what sarcasm is, which I is not true at all. Some sarcasm is okay in general, but my entire point is I think it is way over used.
In my view someone who is overly kind is not insincere or fake, although a few may be. On the other hand, I think a lot of people who are blunt are also fake, so it can go both ways. My philospohy is if you have to tell someone something that will hurt them, maybe that is information that you should keep to yourself. For example, a man may not find his wife attractive after ten years, but if he is smart and kind he would not tell her that. People do not need to know all of our frank thoughts, and if that makes me insincere to some so be it.
Well maybe my way of doing things is wrong for them, but I believe in this approach. I truly respect your kind comments, and thanks for the encouragement. Gee reading my comments this morning I felt like it was many against one lol. Of course there is a tendency for people to number up and prove their point against those who do not step in with the crowd 100%
Hi SP, its too bad you lost a great jacket over all this.
While I live in the south and have all these listed cultural traits of great hospitality and nice chararcteristics, Im still going to be blunt and say that you would never make it on The Apprentice show.
Although I am not a regular viewer, I was on the edge of my seat watching those guys scream blunts. In the end, you're nothing but fired if you cant scream blunts on that show! Have you seen those guys get fired up on that show? They really burn up being blunt.
And to be frank, I wouldnt make it on that show either. Its a bashers game. I guess they are used to rolling the big ones and they can handle it.
You could start your own show - The Nice Girl Wins. Kudos to you.
Newsworthy,
I would definitely not make it on that show the apprentice. Maybe it makes me weak in some peoples' eyes that I am not very blunt, but so be it. The Apprentice is interesting to watch... from a far.
You make a very valid point, but I do disagree. I am blunt, and famous for it. If you want an honest opinion, you come to me. However, I am not cruel nor would I publicly embarrass anyone. I only offer my opinion when asked. And yes, my wide circle of friends have thinned out :o)
jfx
housedad,
You are welcome to disagree with me and that is fine. Whereas being blunt may not seem cruel to you, my concern about this is how others will take these comments. However, as you said your circle of friends has thinned out, so it appears you are okay with this. Personally I could care less if someone is consistently blunt, that is their business, but I know I would not be spending lots of time with that person.
Wow, I was one of those who you thought was speaking down to you. Not at all. Sorry if this is the way you took my comment. I was not intending to offend anyone. My comments are usually to the general public and I don't know you personally. I'm an extreme sensitive soul myself so if you've taken offense then you must be of the extreme extreme variety.
Jewels,
No I am not of the extreme, extreme variety, but I thought the custard analogy was a little over the line. I am not saying at all that your comments were personal, but one thing that stood out was you implied I must not understand the difference between general and malacious sarcastic comments, which is not the case. Honestly it is up to me to decide if I delete a comment or not, and even people on here that I respect and are friends with have done so to me. Sorry if you take offense to my deleting comments, but I do reserve the right to do that. By the way, I do not appreciate that you are implying I am extremely sensitive, even if I am, because you said you do not know me. Mostly I just felt several of you were wanting to prove to me my thoughts and feelings on this issue were wrong, and to be honest I felt I was sort of being outnumbered. Sometimes when people get annoyed they do delete comments, and if this has never happened to you then that is great.
SweetiePie, couldn't have said it better myself. I reckon people see me as weak sometimes and label me "too nice" or "too kind". And it's fine, I know I have a pretty high level of empathy (from a personality/leadership test done through work).
But with work especially, I need to learn to be a bit more "firm" and not be afraid to say "no" to some things/people. I find I only have to be more blunt, in a matter of fact and gentle way, when I've exhausted the more diplomatic approaches unsuccessfully. :)
macrofratelli,
I am glad you see what I am talking about. Yes at work I see where people might need to be blunt to convey that they cannot do a certain projects, etc, but outside of work it seem that the need to be so can go too far.
I can say no when I need to say no, but truthfully sometimes I voluntarily take on more than I have to. However, that is just my personality, and everyone has a different approach.
I've heard the saying "keeping it real" far too often and I suppose what it really means is being totally blunt no matter how rude. "Cavern is fat, I'm just keeping it real." Sure, I'm fat (I'm just keeping it real mayo), but sometimes I'd rather "keep it polite" instead.
Good point Cajun. I think the lack of tact really does nothing for me, and in a way I find the whole concept of keeping it real a little fake. To me it seems some want to prove they are so authentic that they will always say what is on their minds, but why do they need to do that? Maybe because some want to come across a tough or clever. I just think it is in poor taste to discuss someone's appearance unless they bring it up first, and even then keep in mind they have a right to say that about themselves, but it does not mean others can say whatever they please. For instance a brother might say his sister is a total idiot, but usually he would not want his friends saying that.
Sweetie Pie, I think that what you are talking about, the being nice, is what they used to refer to as polite, which seems to be a lost art and a shame because it makes life easier for everyone.
Blunt seems to be apersonality trait that can become obnoxious, occasionally humerous, and you never have to wonder what blunt people are thinking. Being blunt just means you say what's on your mind, sort of jumping right in and shooting off at the mouth.
I've known people who were just always sweet and kind and they all seem to be the happiest ones around.
Dolores,
Yes I agree with the way you put it how the lost art of being polite and slightly reserved is something that is missing from the world today. I know some people have misunderstood what I said about not enjoying the blunt or direct comments people often make, but what I was trying to convey is sometimes not everyone likes that approach, which seems to be popular in many circles. I have noticed people walk into quiet waiting rooms and demand to know why it was so quiet, which I find amusing because not everyone is talkative or out in the open with strangers. Some of my thoughts on this issue does have to do with my introverted nature, which means I am very hesitant to critique people about their lives. I prefer to focus on myself.
I have always had trouble in this area because I've always been blunt too much of the time. It's not to the point of being mean or cruel, but there are times I could definitely be a little nicer. Thanks for the reality check!
Your comments are duly noted SweetiePie. Perhaps I'm feeling as misunderstood as you thought I was of you. I started to write a whole spiel of context behind what I was meaning but it's quite massive. and perhaps it deserves a hub of its own.
I am grateful you were direct with your feelings
Jewels,
Thanks for sharing again. I am not upset or anything, but if you want to write a hub about your thoughts regarding this that is great.
I have been hurt as a child (and as an adult) by the blunt comments of others, offered in the spirit of "total honesty" or "humor". I personally find it intolerable. I once worked with someone who introduced themselves to everyone by proclaiming, "I'm a blunt person and say whatever I think." My response was to request this person consider their comments before blurting them out indiscriminately while in my presence--not a recipe for peaceful interactions with this person. Why NOT be nice, or polite, or whatever you wish to call it? As for sarcasm, too often it is thinly disguised as humor. I can take a joke but take offense if sarcasm is the ONLY form of humor one is capable of, because sarcasm generally seems hurtful to me, and to be hurtful for the sake of a laugh is insensitive.
Social graces do not need to fall by the wayside, and a lack of social graces should not be viewed as acceptable or fashionable.
Thanks for your post, which clearly elicited much thought on both sides of the fence.
I like your story. It is so sweet.
Great hub, sweetiepie. I too would rather be pleasant in dealing with people than be blunt. But that should not be likened to being false. If one wants to express himself, he should learn how to do it in a nice way. Thanks.
" Nice hub" But i do appreciate the way u hav written. You do win more friends by being nice than sarcastic. Cheers to a wonderful hub.
Mike,
All I can say is very well put! I enjoyed reading your take on this subject, and I think what you have delineated most clearly is those who choose to be blunt at any expense might often be alienated those around them. It is definitely food for thought.
Melody,
Being kind and even holding back is by no means false in my book. I have noticed that some who prefer the blunt approach think that those of us who hold bake are a little on the misleading side, but what makes them think this? To me that is projecting their way of doing things on others, and that is just not fair.
I would never tell anyone to stop being blunt or using sarcasm, but one of my sister's former friends learned I really did not want to be around her when she acted this way. My sister and my mom begged me to give her a second chance, and against my better judgment I did.
However, her behavior escalated on a trip to Disneyland where she basically kept leaving her kids with me the whole time. I finally ended up telling her that her comments and her actions were very hurtful, and she did not seem to care. My sister finally broke off that friendship when this lady started sending weird text messages to her husband. I am not saying all blunt people are this way, but often the person that chooses to be blunt at all expenses usually does not have many respectful boundaries regarding others.
my point of view.
Glad you liked the story.
jayb,
I also appreciate your comments.
"Words are like butterflies in your hands. Once you let them go, they're gone forever". Good advice SweetiePie.
Wow Adinus, the butterflies analogy is beautiful.
Hi SweetiePie - Thanks very much for writing this hub about being gentler and kinder versus blunt and sarcastic. I live in Asia where there is a strong emphasis on being nice rather than being too blunt with people. I think this applies well to Western society too. I'll make an effort to take your suggested gentle and kind approach. Thanks. Dawei888 :-)
dawei,
Thanks for your great comments. Well you can build many more bridges with people via a kind approach. If you have bad information that will not necessarily make someone do something better, and would only hurt that person, I think it is best to keep that to yourself.
SweetiePie -
Keep rocking... You're better known for your nice words across HP!!
Sweetie Pie - just as the introvert needs quiet time alone, the extrovert needs lots of people and talking. Some of those folks can be very obnoxious, and that can be intimidating. They can't understand quiet people - they think they are frightened or depressed. It's all pretty silly but to each his own. As long as we try to be civil - I think you would enjoy a return to civility. We do seem a crude bunch of loudmouths these days.
dingdong,
Thanks for the encouragement :).
Dolores,
You make some very good points about how different people have different interaction needs. However, I really think a return to civility is in order. I think many people do aim for that each day, which is the good news.
Hopefully, it just makes life so much easier for all.
I agree Dolores.
SweetiePie: I could not agree with you more, as being kind is better then being blunt no wonder why we get along and harming others is not in my character, thanks for writing about how you feel. :)
Hi I enjoyed your hub, you got your pjojint across very well...
Enjoyed your honesty and courage sharing your values SP. My grandma when chastising us children for 'being mean' while playing would have this saying " you can catch more flies with honey ,than vinegar" of course we never knew what she meant then ,but being nice ,considering someone else's feelings is a strength ,not a weakness. I understood my grandma's wisdom when I became a mum and yes uttered those same words to my sons ....I was later praised for raising kind , gentle ,caring son's...are they weak? no way !! ,they excelled in sports ,university and the army ,enjoy the usual masculine hobbies ,quick witted and smart. They have learned they get more respect being nice than being blunt. Saying it like it is ,really means 'according to me' ( just my opinion) and blurting out quick sarcastic answers doesnt mean youre smarter ,just means you chose not to control what comes out of your mouth. The best bosses I ever had were nice people too ,which meant he had a very reliable staff , little stress , good work attitudes etc ,because humans do better with kindness than bluntness.
All Power to the Nice People! ( who can be blunt if they chose too)
AEvans,
You are such a doll! I admire the way you are so nice and supportive of everyone on Hubpages :). Thanks for your great comments.
Brenda,
I appreciate that.
Eaglekiwi,
Very well said and you have some great points!
Koh Nee Chee Waaaaah Sweetie Pie So this why you are a legend? How can I say too nicely - I Love You? Bluntly - Yep, I'm Sure!
Good points here - it's always interesting to see people vote with their feet as well - generally those you would least expect. We live in this wonderful world where some are real and some are not.
Thank you for such a good hub . R ee gart toe.
Thanks for your comments Pearldiver.
nice job u done my sweet
Nice to hear from you Desi!
You're absolutely right on with this! I coach little league football and I've seen coaches (and parents) just "lay into" a kid after the kid makes a mistake or doesn't do something right. That doesn't help the kid at all. It only instills fear, uncertainty, and possibly feelings of inferiority.
Coaching with encouragement, coaching with a positive attitude, goes a LONG ways toward helping the child develop. We don't put up with whining, complaining, or back talk. If I see any of that, the kid is running laps. But the kid doesn't get yelled at. (In fact, in our league we make the parents sign a statement saying that they will behave on the sidelines and will be supportive and encouraging, and it works!).
Anyway, I really enjoyed your hub!
nutuba,
When I went to my nephew's little league team I did not see people yelling either, so I definitely think your approach is best. Making them run is a good old fashion way of teaching them to be part of the team, which is what our PE teachers used to do.
Having been bullied in school myself, I can understand what you've said and why you said it. People do have a pack mentality. I've often thought that human beings are a lot like wolves: they travel and hunt in packs and look for a weak or different member of the pack to turn on. There's not much we can do to change human nature I'm afraid; but maybe by being nice we can change those fellow humans who we come in contact with. Maybe...
Good for you nutubs , we did the same thing , and if any parents get outta line ( theres always one to test the boundaries)....another parent would tell them straight ...which was so mature and great to come from another parent.
I trained my sons to be humble with achievements and awards , and now they are adults they are respected for their attitude from peers and co-workers.
Ive been thinking SP too that for the first 20 yrs of my life I was embarrassed 'being nice' because society translates that to mean 'weak' , I guess now I am more balanced , if I need to be assertive I can be , but being nice and content to be so ,is a strength not a weakness.
linial,
I do not think peoples' behavior will change, but I hope maybe a few will rethink how they act in a group, etc.
Eaglekiwi,
I know what you mean about being assertive and I can do that when need be, but now I do try to pick and choose my battles. I had one friend who was way too blunt about everything, and some of her comments even made me wonder how she could be my friend truely. A few months back I finally told her enough is enough and her comments are just too weird, so I try to be assertive when I need to be.
However, being introverted means I really do not over do it. If a store has bad service usually I will not complain because for me that is just way too much people interaction. I do not mind interacting with people, but making things more complicated than they have to be is just not my style I guess.
By the way I do like your screen name, very creative!
You're right Sweetiepie. I can't see the point of people trying to be blunt.
marriedwoman,
I really do not see the point of being blunt, but a people have implied being nice is not as pithy as the former type of conversation. I disagree, but I have noticed most consider being blunt to be synonomous or sarcastic as synanamous with being witty, which is all about perception really. Some claim it is a falsehood that overly blunt or sarcastic comments can hurt peoples' feelings, but to me it is all about perception.
Some say the person on the receiving end of the comments is just interpreting things that way, but I feel that is letting the commentator off too easily. Of course I am not going to get offended about comedians and others who are known for their crass comments or overly blunt comments, but in day to day communication it is good for others to realize why some my avoid them if all they ever have to offer up is blunt opinions. It seems many enjoy giving and receiving very direct comments, but this group should keep in mind not everyone will share their enthusiasm. I appreciate your comments.
You OK, Sweetie - I saw that :(
I have stopped responding to that particular troll.
In an attempt to be more assertive I tried, but I need to stop. I have just wasted my time doing that, but I am okay :). Thanks for asking :).
No worries - he has no intent of starting reasonable debate, but just wants to bully and intimidate people - he has pretty much driven Lita out of the forums. A few of us went after him on Saturday, to no avail, so ignoring him seems to be the best option.
Nothing wrong with being a little assertive - I was impressed ;)
Hi Sufi,
I think I was feeling more daring that particular day, but glad you thought it was impressive. Oh well, cannot argue with a troll as you said :).
Don't let that put you off - in fact, I tend to stick to debates on Hubs, now - they are a lot more civilized. At least, if the Hubber can delete comments, it keeps the worst of the trolls at bay!
That is true sufi. Also, a hub is more focused, whereas the forums can ramble a bit.
Must admit, I don't mind the rambling so much. After intense debate, a little smalltalk can be good - we had a nice chat with fierycj about film-making today. It is nice to talk to you here, too :)
It is the increasing nastiness that is putting me off - I actually agree with most of what you say in this Hub!
Rambling can be fun, but I suppose what I meant is I noticed I am all over the place in some forum posts. I also enjoy your posts as well. I have a feeling a couple of the trolls roving the forums will soon be banned if they keep up with their behavior. It is only a matter of time before they attack one person too many, but I think maybe that is what they are going for. I think a couple of them want to see how much they can get away with before being sent away.
Sweetie I am so much like this too, I hate to hurt anyones feelings, mind you if someone pushes my buttons, and say something demeaning to me, I will stick up for myself, but on the whole, yes, I would rather be too nice :)
Thanks for saying so blonde! I have been more assertive, like even today even. Not sure why, but sometimes I do have to speak out, other times I am more reticient.
I'd rather have kind remarks than bluntness that's for sure and I can relate to you. I was the most picked on as a child too because I was different than them. No one should single out another just because they are different. What if God had decided to make us all the same. We'd be a pretty boring bunch!
Well said sciantel. Still believe people who are overly blunt are over compensating for certain self esteem issues, or they would not need to make these type of remarks constantly.
I agree with you SweetiePie, I like nice people muuuuuch better than blunt ones. But I think our culture is decaying and nice is interpreted as weakness or just plain ole dumb. Television is like the cultural template of our society and the last time I checked we were watching highlights of wars, people getting shot and bombed as if it were a videogame. Now more than ever, we need nice people like you and not the smart mouthing sarcastic blunt individuals.
I think ive mastered the idea of being blunt and sarcastic while being one of the most well meaning and nice people I know.
Enjoyed your hub...Your a great writer.
Derek
I appreciate your comment DJseverns!
"nice people finish last" is an adage I have heard all throughout my life and one that has bothered me to no end.
Being nice is a strong and noble act rather than a weak and spineless thing.
It's easy to be blunt and rude. Ignorance is always the easy way out, and being blunt and rude IS an ignorant act. It takes great patience ( and intelligence) to be nice as opposed to the unthinking, flippant attitude it takes to be blunt and rude.
Those blunt people out there don't think before they speak and always say things that end up hurting those to whom they are speaking.
A nice person thinks first prior to opening their mouths and this is done because a nice person can actually see beyond a selfish thought.
I have a theory which I call the Bubble Zone.
Every person has this "bubble" around them. A selfish, conceded person has their bubble so close to their bodies that you couldn't squeeze a dollar bill in between the body and their bubble. They don't see outside their bubble because to them, there is nothing outside the bubble that concerns them or care about.
A nice person has a big bubble that encompasses not only their body but it surrounds all those they come in contact with. They care about others as well as themselves. Your concerns matter to a nice person.
whew, sorry about the rant. I'll be nice now and stop. :)
I agree with you sweetiPie, so please keep on being nice and expand your bubble. If we all had big bubbles, the world would be a better place.
I appreciate your comments, and I have begun to actually be more vocal about what I think these days, but in a restrained way. Not going too blunt, but I have decided to be a little bit more direct. I really appreciate your comment.
Hello there SweetiePie Hubpages community!
I just made my account today, but looking at the comments, the last comment made was 19 months ago...not sure if this page is still being checked/active?
Reason why i ask is because i wanted to ask/share my experiences and i'm hoping someone will respond?
Regards,
Henry
Krazie_Kumquat,
I still answer all comments on my hubs. This hub was written over two years ago, which is why there are not so many recent comments.
I am so glad i came across this webpage on hubpages!
There are times where we all need to tell people the truth, however there are many ways to accomplish this.
My view is "treat others how you want to be treated".
I'll give you an example of my most recent "run-in" with this. I flew away to school and i had this roommate. She was extremely nice 90% of the time, but the other 10%, down-right really blunt. She would often say things like "what the f*ck is wrong with you now?" instead of "what's the matter?". Whenever she needed to discuss something with me, my door would always be open and we'd talk for hours (or with whatever time that i had). But when i needed to talk to her about something that concerned her, like a problem, she'd tell me to "take a chill pill" instead of just "relax and tell me what's on your mind?".
I did end up talking to her and basically told her that i used to believe that i could say whatever i wanted, but i realized that when i was talking to someone, i hold their feelings in my hands. There is a such thing as courtesy and tact/deportment. She definitely has lots of courtesy. Tact is the ability to filter your words, even if you don't mean any disrespect, people can take it that way.
Her response to me was "i am what i am. I don't intend to hurt others, but if people have a problem with that, they will either accept me as i am, or they can take a hike. I am not tameable, you should know that by now". I honestly didn't know what to say to that. What can you say?
My view is that sometimes, even if your intentions are sound, you can hurt the most sensitive people. When making a comment/joke, it is vital to remember that you are directing that at the OTHER person, so you must follow THEIR rules, not what you feel may be appropriate. I was not raised to use cuss words, so even if i knew it was a joke, i still won't take it view it as one
Henry
Henry,
Glad you came back and shared your experiences with how people can often be hurtful without realizing it. I think your experiences would make a good hub, too!
quite often people call me 'too nice'. But I don't see any reason not to be nice, unless, someone is really not nice. However, some times people 'see' me as a weak, incompetent and full of flattery! I wonder if we were really meant to be an sceptic, paranoid or obnoxious??
I am nice because it's my principle, at least, not to complain something or someone although I fail to create something useful to the society... . ...but the irony is- people some times me label me as full of flattery even when I truly admire them....I don't know what is going on??
Hi Too Nice Guy,
Well I think being nice and cordial has been highly unrated in the recent years. People get off on snarky quips, when often being sincere and saying something nice would make a better lasting impression. I really do not care if people think I am weak for being nice, especially since being too abrasive as the completely different association.
I never EVER apologize for being too nice. I'm sorry; that's just the way I am;)
You sound like a nice and cool person to be around ChaddyBooBatty!
I enjoyed this Hub. I sense that in the past you received unwarranted criticism. It's a strength to be honest and open. It's not okay to use words or actions to hurt others. So, how can we protect ourselves from the negative? Maybe by knowing that we all have unconditional worth and value. Nobody can take that away from us. Sending you green Light today.....Gary.
Hi Qlcoach,
In years past yes I was subjected to a lot of undue criticism, and I think some of the hurt of this may have came out in writing this hub. It has been a few years since I wrote it, but when I think about those events, I still can see and feel who I was at the time. Also, I like to respond to all the comments on my articles, and let people know I do read their commentary.
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dianacharles 3 years ago
You are so right Sweetie Pie....I would rather be nice than sarcastic. I get my point across when I have to...but I tend to bend over backwards not to hurt the other person.I too have been accused of being too 'nice'.