How To Find A Boyfriend, And Why You Might Not Want One
74It is actually easy to find a boyfriend if you are not acting too desperate about it, but do you really want a boyfriend just to have one? I like ice cream, but I do not want to eat a gallon of it just to satisfy my craving. My view on finding a boyfriend is I am still open to meeting new people, but I do not want a boyfriend just to have one. I actually want to date some one with enough commonalities that we are not just together for the steamy side of it all. I enjoy being single and have been for most of my life, so I will honestly state I am holding out for the person that will compliment my life and not complicate my life. Some women simply want to have a boyfriend because society makes them feel like they have to have one. I know that is not a popular thing to say, but in my early twenties I actually fell into that mindset. All of my friends had been dating for years and were already in serious relationships and married, so some how I thought having a boyfriend would put in on the path towards coupledom.
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My first boyfriend was interested in dating and we even started a long distance relationship, but I soon learned he was not interested in much beyond dating. I am the type of person that simply does not want to have a revolving door of boyfriends, and if I am dating someone I would like it to lead to something more serious such as marriage. My first boyfriend did not seem in a rush to get married, but he let me know it was perfectly okay if we just kept seeing each other. He was pretty straight forward about what he wanted, but I kept projecting my ideals onto the relationship. This happened with another boyfriend that was not in a rush to have a more serious relationship, so I basically set myself up for disappointment in several relationships.
The lesson I learned along the way is that you can definitely have a boyfriend, but do you want just any man to be your boyfriend? Several of the men I have dated have made it clear they would be willing to be my boyfriends, but they have also intimated I would have to be willing to compromise on certain things I find to be important to myself. People say relationships are all about compromise, but to be quite frank most compromises in the relationships I have had were simply to the benefit of the man. I have yet to meet a man who is willing to compromise on certain issues to make me happy, and I would not want someone to necessarily compromise if that is going to make him unhappy in the long run.
For instance one of my boyfriends was very interested in computer games and compromised playing them once and awhile to call me and go out. However, he was the type of person who pretty much wanted to spend the majority of his day playing video games, and the type of woman who would be happy with that is someone who wanted to do many things on her own. He viewed doing too many activities together as being dependent on him, and why should he have to compromise on that?
In all actuality I am happy doing many things on my own from going to restaurants to movies. Being single for as long as I have has taught me to be comfortable with who I am and my own company, so if I am to find a boyfriend I really do not want any compromises. I want a strong compatibility between us that will draw us to want to spend time together, and to want to eventually get married. I am not looking for a boyfriend at this point in my life because it will happen if it happens, and if not I always have myself.
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How To Find A Boyfriend If So Desire
Many women actually do want to find boyfriends, and there is nothing wrong with that! I was just relating how when I used to be part of that segment of the population I was never happy because I usually could find a boyfriend, but that did not necessarily mean I had enough in common with him to sustain a long term relationship. When looking for a boyfriend ask yourself what the long term goals are. Do you just want someone to hang out with occasionally, or do you want a boyfriend that is thinking of settling down eventually.
How can you meet a potential boyfriend? You can meet him anywhere! Online dating is an option, but I would highly encourage not to pay for online dating services. I have met plenty of people through the free online social networking services, and often they were more compatible than the dating services. However, some people claim that services such as eharmony and match are great resources, but I did not find that to be the case. I have met a lot of nice men through the internet, but I have as yet to find anyone I am compatible with.
Friends are another resource for those women who are looking for potential boyfriends. Often a friend or a friend no someone that is single and might be interested in going on a blind date. I have met several people this way and it has ranged from uncomfortable to a long term relationship with too many compromises. As I said many women find love via set-ups with their friends, but I have just not been one of them.
Meeting people in real life is another way to go about it. Actually I am talking to some one I meet in real life currently, and I have found him to be one of the better ones so far. I am not sure what will happen with this, but for me meeting in real life seems to work best. I have actually met this person on my own and did not need a computer to match me up, or a friend to suggest a blind date. For some reason I just feel more of an attachment to this person because I knew exactly how he acted, looked like, and how he spoke from the start.
Each mode of meeting potential boyfriends has its plus and minuses, but you have to determine which modality will best suit your needs. Happy hunting!
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yay singles!
Very nice hub. I am still technically married, so I am not sure whether or not I even ever, ever, ever want another man in my life at this point (leaning towards NOT...), but you have made some very good points here.
Also would like to add that video game addictions are still addictions. This type of person is not really "available," even though they may be physically present. They may also have OTHER, more serious addictions. Been there, married to that!
And I agree that you should not have to compromise all that much. If there is basic compatibility, no compromise should be needed. Compromise needed later may be on things that are not related to the basic foundation of the relationship!
dohn,
You sound like a romantic kind of guy. Some girl will be very lucky to find you :).
Ichietenburger,
I could not agree more! Being single is actually more fun than many realize. While some couples are complaining about their significant others we are having more free time.
advisor4qp,
It sounds like you have a good marriage, so I understand that. I agree with you about the video game addiction because I know many people have these, but it is not something I find very interesting. Two video game addicts might find true love with each other though, which is why I am big on finding a large amount of compatibility, as opposed to compromising.
A person is responsible for his or her own happiness! No one can “make you happy,” they can only enhance the happiness, you already enjoy.
Being single is not so bad---let the natural course of events take place…Better, that Mr. Right finds you instead of you finding Mr. Wrong with all his baggage.
What a great fun hub SweetiePie!
And how interesting that we read married men lived longer than single men BUT and this is a big BUT - that gets lost along the way "Single Women Live Longer Than Married Women" - no, the single lifestyle suits me as I get older.
I love to travel, come and go, do my thing, see friends and family when I want - it is 'me' time and I will not compromise it for my men friends, they are friends, and they respect me for that. Well, they have to!
But I do have women friends who must have the boyfriend and 'no' they are not happier for it. Just one friend but they live totally separate lives and meet up say on Sunday.
Women are supposed to be happy and have fun and laugh a lot. We spend too much time crying.
Thanks again. Always nice to stop by one of your hubs!
Nancy,
Very well put. I always enjoy your visits, and I have been enjoying reading your hubs as well.
BKCreative,
I agree with you how as women we spend too much time crying. Have often do guys get together with their friends to cry about their ex girlfriend? Well some might, but most guys I know are not like that. Being single actually is really great, and many women I have met seemed happier to be single as opposed to being in relationships. I think we all need to focus on ourselves and not worry about what society pressures us to do.
I get I'm just a go with the flow guy. I never tried to analyze dating. When I was between marriages I just went out to see what would happen. If I liked a lady and she liked me we would date. When I felt something more I made my intentions clear. Fortunately I was lucky enough to meet my sould mate and it all worked out for the best.
I am glad to hear about your happy ending Pete. You are right about how it is better not to analyze dating too much.
Great hub! Nice getting to know you a little better. As for me I have found the man of my dreams! ;-)
typep,
It is good to hear so many hubbers have found their happy endings!
It was nice of you to share this info about yourself. Good Hub.
Jibberish,
Mostly this was just a fun hub answering a idea bank request, but I did enjoy writing it. You should try answering some hub topics from the idea bank as many of these are not covered.
*deep sighs* what a woman!
Why does everyone like to sigh so much on Hubpages lol. I am seeing a trend here :). Anyway, I did enjoy your post :). Your are quite a man fiery!
Well said SweeitePie! I see many women who don't compromise in the 20s, then their clock starts "ticking" in their 30s and they rush into any relationship that leads to marriage and kids with a guy who is not right for them and they wonder why they are unhappy. I didn't compromise and ended up with a wonderful guy who has enough of the same interests as me so that we have enough things in common and have a great time together doing stuff we both love, but enought differences to keep it interesting. I also believe that in the beginning there shouldn't be a lot of compromises, if there are, it isn't the right guy.
Hi, Sweetiepie: My s/o and I are different and yet similar. He is a country boy and I am a city girl who loves fine dining, going to galleries and the like; he loves the woods and wherever there are critters and bugs. I let him be exactly who he is, don't pressure him to do this, or that, let him do his spiritual exploration online, and he also lets me be me. I travel twice a year alone back East to get my city "fix", LOL and to be with long time friends. Its a beautiful union, where we are literally best friends and yet give each other enough space and freedom. It is when we try to change the other or impose rules when relationships struggle.
In the past I experienced the type of boyfriends you briefly described, thank God they are not part of my reality anymore, as I admit I was ready to stay alone! Thank God there are great guys out there too.
Good hub!
SweetiePie, I wish you have written this 10 years ago (er what age were you then? LOL) when I started with my first boyfriend. It would have saved me a lot of headaches (and heartaches LOL). Lucky for me, I was able to muddle through until I met and married my husband =). I was 31 when I got married, an age actually considered "old" here for getting married (but it's becoming the trend with me and my friends) but we were together for like 4 years before we tied the knot, so I can say that I am very very satisfied with my decision to marry him. I also know a lot of women who are in their 30s who do not have boyfriends or husbands and yet they are very happy with their lives. I don't see them having any regrets either.
Okay, I'm getting away from the topic LOL. Great hub SweetiePie. Now I'd better go and catch fiery before he swoons all over you LOL.
LRobbins,
You are right about how it is good to have many similarities, but a few differences also. I am glad to hear you met the love of your life. I always enjoy your comments :).
Violent Sun,
If sounds like you and your s/o have the perfect type of relationship. Yes there are many good men out there, that is true! It is always nice to hear your stories :).
emievil,
Your post is so much about this topic! I actually do not mind if people even bring in extra material, and sometimes I laugh when on the forums people say the thread is going off topic. It is a thread, and as of late it seems like people are really worried it might go "off topic". I enjoyed hearing your story because to me it lends interest to this hub. Even here 31 is considered old to get married, and in a few weeks that is how old I will be.
My mom was around this age when she had my youngest sister, and many people I know that are my age seem to have been married for ten years. I think it is good to wait to get married personally, especially since a lot of the people that get married out of high school are divorced and remarried at this point. I always enjoy your comments!
Back when I was single if I did not have a boyfriend I did not seem to find one when I was looking. I quickly learned to not worry about finding one and just do the things that made me happy. Those are the times I met guys and many of those relationships, though not the one, were really fun since we met over a common interest.
Ashley,
Sounds like very good advice indeed!
Girlfriend, most of us jump the first Jock who comes along and marry him because we somehow think marriage fixes everything. Then, by 28, we find ours and our partner's lives are in different places; and different bedrooms. All we have for our impatience is two dysfunctional children, a rich bstd lawyer, and a page on DateDivorcedMilf.com. Oh, and a bitter pill that helps us sleep at night.
Even if it takes forever, hold out for your soul mate. You will have nothing in common with him but that all important connection. And that's all that's needed to make it work. No compromises!
I like your outlook. It's refreshing to hear from a young woman who doesn't think the sun rises and sets on the condition of her love life. When I was young, my mother and grandmother made such a big deal out of "Get a man, get a man!" like it was so difficult and if I didn't find one before the expiration date stamped on my butt went by then I was doomed. But I've found that, as you say, it's not that hard to find a man. The question is, what do you do with him once you find him? The man I live with now is my best friend. We have a lot in common and have lots of fun together.
I think you are right to be choosy. It isn't so much finding the right one as it is learning to say no to the wrong ones. Keep doing that and the right one has half a chance when you finally meet him. If you are wasting your time with the wrong one, you might miss him! :)
Interesting Hub! Here's what I wrote on relationships: http://hubpages.com/hub/Karmaorweakness
Francine,
I know this may be hard for some to believe, but I do not really believe in soul mates. I think there are many people we can be compatible with, but I am not so sure about soul mates. I actually would want to have a lot in common with someone I date because that is where I would find the connection. I think I have not really connected with anyone as of yet because there were very few commonalities.
Pgrundy,
I admire the relationship you and your significant other have. It seems many people settle for just being in any relationship as opposed to waiting for someone they have more in common with. I am sure you could write some very good hubs on this topic.
Kimberly,
I appreciate you stopping by.
Three problems with finding a soul mate. One, your soul mate is one in one hundred thousand. Two, nine out of ten are already in terminal relationships. Three, you need the intervention of fate to meet that one in 900,000! Something like a flood, an earthquake, a big fire or, a plague of Mexicans Moriarty bands. But hey, you live in the great nation of Californication, so there's hope for you.
Of course, being bisexual shortens the odds. Have a nice day :-)
Excellent info and advice, SweetiePie, for no matter what anyone's dating goals might be. Thanks for sharing your personal experiences too.
Francine,
I certainly do not really agree with your statistics, but this is an interesting observation!
Frieda,
I tend to use the personal approach in most of my writing because that is the only true way I can approach things. Sometimes and in some places we do have to write in the third person, but I find it unappealing. Thanks for stopping by.
we had the same mindset..i never rushed finding a boyfriend until i finished college.im not choosy but i always kept in mind that God will give me someone who is meant for me..
and im so thankful i found him already..we started not as a typical dating couple..but he courted me trough text messages.
luckily it turns out well for us.he is not the man of my dreams but he is a man of reality a woman wanted to be with
Tana,
You are right about how it is good to hold out what is right for you.
I am on badcompany!
I love your mature take on guys! This is how I'm trying to be also. Thanks for the great advice, info, personal stories!
Cool hub!
Ebower,
Over time this is just how I have become. Today one guy who was acting like he sort of liked me let me know we always be friends no matter what. I really do not even have interest in being his friend because he is so flakey towards me, so when he called I just told him I would call him back after work. I did not even bother because most of the time that is how he is with me, so why would I bother with him? People in relationships often complain anyway, so sometimes being single is just less complicated.
Glad you liked it ahmu!
Hi, SP. lol Man, you sound just like my sister. She's been burned in a few relationships by men who didn't compromise...or deep down, care. You are wise not to want this--because it can get ugly--one of them was actually going to sue her as he blamed her for a fire at his house.
You should feel compelled to be with someone. I would never have it another way...anything else would be going against yourself...not being true to yourself. That being said, if you have met that criteria, when you find yourself in a relationship, there are all kinds of adjustments. Both have to be open to it...otherwise it isn't a relationship. It's kind of an ongoing process, too. Keeps it from getting boring, and the things he does/learns will surprise you.
Even so, keeping yourself for yourself is important, I think. Relationships change for all sorts of reasons--and the best person to count on is always yourself, :).
Honestly Lita I really have come to realize I am just not a relationship kind of person. I like the idea of being in a relationship, but when it comes down to it I have never really had a real one. I have dated people, and there were a few I dated off and on for a year or so, but when it came down to it I never had the stable type of relationship most people have. When it comes down to it I am just not bothering with dating anymore, and for me it is better. I think you are right about how some just do not care, and in the past maybe I was attracted to those type. Not sure why, but something about the elusive person you cannot have sort of appealed to me then.
it is nice to have someone but if its someone that cares for you. some people stay in their relationships because they feel like thats something they should do but in reality some people in their relationships are miserable. take me for instance, i've been in a relationship for quite sometime now, dont get me wrong, i love him so much, but we're not on the same page. he puts his friends before me and i think that in a relationship both of them should meet half way. when you give so much to the other person you feel like you lose yourself along the way. the best advice i can give you is learn to love yourself and guys will respect you and treat you better because they know that you're not dependent on them. having confidence is the key
Sarah,
I would have to say that is very good advice indeed!
Such a great hub, I really go for the idea of staying single until you are really sure too. People rush into things, can lead to bad times even heart break too. Voted up!
dohn121 Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago
I believe that the chase is the most intriguing aspect of finding the next significant other in your life. One of the great parts about dating someone and establishing a working relationship with one another is the story about how the two of you met, as in each one is unique in its own way. It's always romantic (ack!) to reflect on the story so as to tell the grandkids! Thanks, SweetiePie.