Friends With Benefits: Is This A Good Idea?
75Actually I am a bit too old fashioned for this type of arrangement to work for me. However, for some men and women this might be a good solution. Many people still consider premarital sex a taboo, but in this day age people around the world are putting marriage off until later in life. Things in this economy are especially hard with people not being able to afford lavish weddings, so are single people supposed to just shut up and put up? Well I think if single people feel okay with a friends with benefits arrangement that might be a better solution as opposed to seeking out one night stands. Now I am not saying that this is something I would do because I am just too jealous, and perhaps too old fashioned, but it is far preferable to a string of one night stands.
There is a level of trust with a friend that people do not have with people they just hook up with, so I can see why some do feel comfortable with these arrangements. You are friends and can share experiences with each other, and with this type of set-up there is not expectations on the part of any party. However, that is where the trouble can begin.
Jealousy
Many people can be friends with benefits without the jealousy involved, but is that realistic for all people an all circumstances? What if one friend begins to feel a stronger attraction to the other friend, and then wants more? This could make things messy if one friend is dating someone else, and cause the other friend to act out and become jealous. If envy is not a problem for either party then this may be an ideal arrangement, but not always realistic.
Boundaries
Call me uptight, but I like knowing what I can and cannot do. Not saying a friends with benefits scenario will always lend itself to no boundaries, but it certainly does blur the lines. One of the parties could begin to cross the lines of friendship, and begin to do things that annoy and insult the other party. Friends are the people you can gloat about and complain about your relationships with, so when you start mixing the two the channels may become a bit murky.
You Can Do Much Better
Hey I am not trying to knock the friends with benefits thing, but do your really believe that is all you deserve? Seriously there is someone for everyone, and settling for this arrangement during times of a dating slump may not exactly boost your self esteem. I know some people really do not agree with that, but it is nice to have friends, and it is nice to have lovers. Of course friends can always evolve into lovers, but some level of commitment and security might be preferable to the no strings attached thing. However, this is just my opinion, and honestly I do admire people who are secure enough not to be jealous in situations such as these. I myself would not be, but it is good to see so many people are able to handle what they choose. Think about it for awhile, and really consider if having such a friend is the best thing for your life. Why not take up a new hobby, or read a book instead? You deserve to meet someone that will commit to you, and if they do not want to commit, then they can always be a friend.
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Is it good to have a friend with benefits?
See results without votingHave you ever had a friend with benefits?
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Hi Dohn,
To me the jealousy on the part of one of the parties involved might be the biggest problem. I know there are some relationships where people can do the friends with benefits for years, but some how I think these are few and far between. I am having a great year Dohn, I hope you are too!
I never knew or know how to be jealous. My ex-husband had the freedom of a batchelor and yet I had to pay for it instead him appreciate it.
I see both sides of this. I believe that there is sex for play and sex for love. Sex for play is useful for people that do not want to settle down. People like the character portrayed in "Up in the Air." Just because you are not ready to commit doesn't mean you have go totally without.
On the other hand it is a very unstable game to play because it is the closest two people can be. It is not hard for one partner to begin to see it as more meaningful.
If someone is going to do it they are probably risking heart ache in the future.
Good hub, SP. I can see where your coming from. But can also see the other argument. It takes two very mature people, though, to get it right.
I was fortunate to have had a long, successful marriage, and beyond my hubby's death, I have had several committed relationships, none of which lasted.
My last committed relationship was many years ago, and I have really not dated much since then. I have come to enjoy being alone. I, for one, am in favor of a friend with benefits. It is very liberating. I don't have to base what I do, think or feel on another person's agenda.
I realize that this does not work for everyone. And, this is not to say I wouldn't ever be open to a committed relationship again. It could happen. If you had asked me this question ten years ago, it would have been hands down, a committed relationship. Today, that answer would take a lot of soul searching.
Hello, Hello,
I most situations I am not jealous, but I guess I would prefer a degree of fidelity not to be found in a friends with benefits scenario. I just know myself, and I would not be happy with this situation. I commend others who can handle it well though.
Pete,
You are right there are definitely two sides to it. I admire those who pick which side they want to be on, and are happy with it. I just thought this was an interesting topic to explore because it can be fraught with so many issues.
alekhouse,
I believe as you say with two very mature individuals they could handle this situation admirably. Everyone deserves to be happy, and if this a situation where they can be, more power to them.
trish,
I completely see the benefits of this set-up for single people that are not dating. Personally I would just not be able to handle it because I would want more. I want the type of relationship where I can be me, and still be together. For instance, I would want to have my own room to decorate, and he have his own room to decorate. I would not want to compromise much in a relationship, and would want to find someone whose taste would be similar enough to mine. I am not sure I would ever find this type of relationship, but I am not really looking for the friends with benefits either. I may just be the very, very single type, who knows.
When it comes down to it, you both have to be like minded. This arrangement can work out well for both of party's.
Your have a good point there Nancy!
like-minded is necessary. I think for one to not be jealous they will need more than one friend with benefits.
I would never be able to do that. My emotions are much too involved when having an intimate relationship with someone. Some people can be more detached though, and for them, this could be an option. I agree with Nancy.
Commitment and true love can only foster true happiness.
Ocbill,
Yes, I agree with your take on it!
advisor4qb,
Whereas I have never gone for this arrangement myself, one guy scolded me for not being detached enough to be up for it. When I ignored him he called me to ask why I was not interested. Really, I thought that was just funny!
bearclaw,
Very nicely put!
I've had a great friend with benefits but every time he would leave i was kinda hurt, i fell for him so fast and i was seeing someone else but that was relationship was so over that i didnt even want him to touch me and i meet this guy and he was very nice an sweet to me..thats when he became a friend with benefits..lol..but it didnt last that long because i ended up wanting more than that, i thought i desereved more then that and one day i told him so and we being going strong for a year now...so maybe its good to have a friend with benefits!!
L.Marie,
Yes I think for many people it is, and your story has a good point.
i always have problems with guys who think i wanna steal away their girlfriends. So i stay clear of girls and keep low profile and this works. :-)
Okay Cleanclover :).
I think sex in general is turning cold. Now it's just sex, sex, sex. None of the warmth of a genuine attachment. And, although I've settled for less and took my lumps in the past, now I'm quite happy to settle for NOTHING!
So I agree with where you ended up with this, Sweetie Pie.
Paradise,
You know I feel pretty much like you said here Paradise!
SweetiePie thank you for starting your hub off "Actually I am a bit too old fashioned for this type of arrangement to work for me", I could relax and enjoy your hub - and not worry about you!
The only thing I'll comment is that you seemed to imply that people weren't getting married because they couldn't afford lavish weddings. I have been concerned lately that I see brides spending more time thinking about the wedding than their upcoming marriage and new family.
Hi Nelie,
I may be liberal politically and in my ideas of human rights, but when it comes to myself I am definitely a bit more traditional.
Did not mean to imply people are not getting married just because of the costs of weddings, but I was also thinking about how being married costs more in other ways. A married couple actually pays more on taxes with two incomes than a non-married couple, which is why some people prefer not to walk down the aisle.
Personally I think brides would be better off financially going to city hall rather than having a lavish weddings, which to me are a waste of money. Another thing I meant about not getting married is many people like me are single in their thirties, and often we might have been married if the right person had came along.
More and more people do not always find "the one," and thus are single, and being alone is not always fun on holidays, for instance. I like being single myself, but what I meant about that is I can see why some people go for the friends with benefits arrangement when there is nothing more promising on the horizon. I could not go for it myself, but I see why some are drawn to it.
I think every situation depends on the people in it. However, friends with benefits was popular among my friends when I was a little younger. Sometimes it worked but mostly it didn't. Ultimately, someone ended up jealous, crying, and throwing things at the "friend" --and I see no benefit in that ;0)
Megavitamin,
You hit the nail on the head precisely by pointing out often these scenarios end in not so "friendly" ways. Of course I know many people remain friends through this, but it just seems way too of murky waters for me.
Great Hub. God Bless You
Thanks for reading stars439
I got married when I was 18 and have been married for many, many years now; half my life to be exact. I see my marriage as a friends with benefits kind of thing... admittedly the friend part can seem to outweigh the benefits part sometimes but I really wouldn't want it any other way!
I have seen the "traditional" friends with benefits scenario played out many times over the years, ironically usually in my mother's life, and it really doesn't work well no matter how the pieces get lined up. Often it starts with a buddy, frequently a drinking buddy, and soon enough the idea of "okay, we can do this but you have to go home tomorrow" just starts to seem wrong somehow.
When I was a kid people use to say that if you didn't kiss during sex, the sex didn't mean anything. This is not true! I guess what I'm trying to say is that with "benefits", personal boundaries necessarily fall away in order to make that level of intimacy, even in play, possible and when you just want to be "friends" then those boundaries have to be there if for no other reason than self preservation.
Interesting points. Thanks for sharing R.S. Wight!
I like what you say here about 'boundaries'. It's necessary for some relationships. Depends on the situation, but creating boundaries can be a good thing. It helps with respect; respect is essential. With no boundary in some situations, the respect goes right out the door. It's a shame, too. Warm friendships can be lost that way. Good article.
Donotfear,
Boundaries are definitely what I need in my life. Not everyone feels that way, but I certainly do!
I think how it works out or not is completely situational. I have a great friendship with my FWB buddy, the sex is great and we both know we can still see other people without the other getting jealous- but for some people they can't have sex without the attatchment, know they would get jealous, etc.
This DOES work for some people, but it is good to consider everything when deciding whether or not to have a fuck buddy, it's a big step for anyone.
I recently started 'seeing' a friend, it all started out with a kiss but I'm so scared of losing him as a friend that I don't want to 'see' him anymore. I know what I'm like, and I don't want to feel attached... This article is excellent, but I agree- it totally depends on the type of person you are.
Hi Ohdayam,
I would not even worry about losing him as a friend. I had a few friendships end over the years, and I learned along the way your real friend will not drop you over mall stuff. What I would do in your situation is pull away from him and let him make the next move, because in all honesty, it sounds like you like him as more than just a friend.
Friends with benefits only work if both parties don't treat it more than it is. If they can control their emotions and not get jealous, it can work, but most people end up wanting more than the other person and falling in love.
My experience one of the parties will end up hurt no matter how each party stresses it is just a friends with benies arrangement.
Voted up and interesting on your hub. Great hub idea!
mandymoreno81,
I agree, most people end up wanting more.
Askme,
Yes, you are right about people who end up getting hurt. Thanks for voting this hub up!
dohn121 Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago
I agree with you that these things don't work. Someone is always bound to grow attached to the other person. In any case, there is an attraction to each, and I don't mean the sex part of it. Things can get awfully confusing in a jiffy and most likely someone will get hurt in the end. It happens way too often.
Thanks SweetiePie. I hope you're enjoying your New Year so far!
Dohn